Through memory lane and beyond . . .

A few of my close friends have been asking me to tell them about my recent trip to visit my family in Ohio. I have shared a few small details and that is all the energy I have had to share. There is so much going on inside of me, so many old pains, as well as bittersweet memories, that have risen to the surface. I don't even know where to begin. It has been about a month since I have seen my individual therapist and I miss her terribly. I am anxious to see her tommorow.

So, the facts are that we drove all night and most of one day to Minnesota to visit one of my dearest friends and her little family, as well as to knock out a huge portion of the driving and rest up for the next part of the trip. After a few days of rest, we drove all night again to Ohio to spend three days visiting some of my family. Then we did the return trip in reverse. It was exhausting physically and the children didn't sleep well in the truck, making it difficult for whomever was resting from driving to actually get much rest. Sigh. Some of the reasons for driving were to pick up my childhood belongings as well as to save some money.

Well . . . I am sorrowful, as this is the first time I have returned to Ohio since my Grandmother's death. I did not go to her former farm, because I am certain that my Aunt in Law has pretty much removed all traces that my grandma ever lived there and I couldn't bear to see that, aside from the fact that this aunt is usually drunk anytime I see her and she hangs on me and tries to kiss me. Blech! I am sorrowful because I miss grandma and I feel bad about all of the angry feelings I have had towards her, since there was so much that was good that she was for me. Her house was the only safe place I had growing up. She is the one who paid for my orthodontics and also helped pay for a lot of my college. There is so much love and also pain tied up in my memories of her.

I am very sad to have said goodbye to my first cousin twice removed, Gerald. He really was more of a grandfather to me. He is 90 years old and was recently diagnosed with congestive heart failure. As infrequently as we visit, this was probably the last time I will visit with him in the life. I am grateful he got to meet my youngest and spend some time with my little family. I was reminded of all of the happy Christmas Eves I spent at my grandma's house, nestled all snug in Gerald's lap. I am sad too, because, since becoming an adult, we haven't really had a relationship. Visiting with him, I realized it wasn't all because of me. He was more interested in interacting with my little ones, which I totally get, because it is easier for me to relate to little children than with their parents most of the time. It was so painful to drive away and see him looking out the window at us . . .

I saw my friend Sylvia Reed and her little family and even enjoyed a brief visit with our mutual friend Esther Wilson. I was reminded how true friendship spans the years, how when we are able to get together, we can still connect. I was reminded that I do have friends who need me, who are also very passionate about life, who understand what it is to have swam (and almost drowned)in the depths of sorrow and who have come back up to the surface only to do it again and remain determined to never ever ever give up!

Visiting with my mother, I saw change for the better. I was mildly surprised, as well as grateful and cautiously hopeful. I do not expect her to become the mother I always wanted, for that is unreasonable. It was nice, however, to visit with her and see that she is not as helpless as she once was, that she is beginning to take care of herself, in small ways. I am grateful to my brother, Matthew, for watching over her and loving her and motivating her in ways that actually work! Speaking of brothers, it was good to see Matthew and it was strange to me that Richard was actually happy to see me, and that he talked to me (and not about computers). I don't know that I have ever heard that boy talk so much.

Seeing my friend DeAnna in Minnesota caused me some concern. On our first visit, she put up a good front. On our return trip, however, she couldn't keep up the facade. She is overwhelmed and headed for a crash, much like where I was two and a half years ago. I sincerely hope she hearkens to the counsel of her husband, Mark and I, who were all unified in telling her to take some time for herself each day and learn to say no sometimes.

Coming home . . . sigh. I got a very nasty virus that is still lingering, so I was out of commision the first week back, which was really crappy for my children, who didn't get much more than the sniffles. This past week, I have begun unpacking my things and haven't gotten very far, do to the painful memories that envelope these treasures. It seems that what actually happened is that I went back to Ohio and reclaimed a portion of my core self that has been in hiding for twenty one years! I found my inner teenager. Now I need to figure out where she fits in my core self!

It is so good that I will be seeing Julie tommorow!!!

Today is Father's Day. I am not at church. I couldn't bear to go, as the teenage part of me was the one who suffered the most at my father's hands (literally). That is about all that I can share. If you got this far, thanks for reading.