I felt trapped, as I was presented with some painful information, expected, on the spot, to agree that it was true, then told, when I did not immediately agree, that I was doing it on purpose, because I am a mean, scary person who likes to mess with people. Ouch!
What I know about me, is that I am a very tender hearted person who suffered some horrific, heartrending experiences during the first half of my life. I learned not to trust people immediately, and developed defenses. Some people view those defenses as threatening, others are simply confused by my behaviors, and some people may not even notice. The girl in group therapy, who was confronting me about these behaviors, falls into the first category, as my behaviors reminder her of her abuser.
What are the behaviors? I am not ready to own them all, as this has been very overwhelming, yet I will record what I can recall. Setting traps: asking a potentially volatile question so that I can start a fight when the person responds truthfully. Answering questions in a way that is unexpected / showing a different facet of my personality than what matches my underlying emotions. Doing or saying unexpected things "to get a reaction". Interacting with other people intellectually - answering questions robotically, as if from a recording, giving the textbook answers. Being funny, making everything into a joke, to an excess.
Okay, so now I am shaking with the anxiety of it all. I can see that I have done each one of these behaviors, UNKNOWINGLY. The pain isn't so much because of the behaviors, as I understand that they are defenses, not attacks. The pain is that they can be percieved as attacks, and have been by this fellow group therapy member. Perhaps by other people in my life as well. Can I all of the sudden abolish all of these behaviors? No, it is not possible and it is unreasonable to expect that. Should I methodically stamp all of them out. NO. The intellectual response is NOT the answer.
The answer is really quite simple, painful,extremely difficult and scary as hell. The answer is to trust my feelings and to allow them to have just as much say in my life as my thoughts do. I believe that I do this quite well with my closest friends.
My hope is that I can get to the point where my feelings matter just as much to me as everyone elses and that I can learn to allow others to feel and percieve what they will without that being a threat to me.
1 comment:
Wow. No wonder you're shaken up. I'm surprised at the observation from the group therapy member, as I don't know or remember that side of you. I agree with you, though. I want you to feel that your feelings are just as important as others', because they are. You have been so kind and considerate of my feelings; you deserve the same for yourself. Your feelings are valid, and you are a beautiful, strong woman who has an amazing, unshakeable faith in the Savior. I know that you know where your strength lies. He has and will continue to help you in your healing process. I have already seen so much growth in your journey. I'm glad we're friends, and I love you.
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